Why is atractive writing in english?
... I mean...
I'm not okay. I'm not fine. people do not write their feelings in english if everything is fine in their lifes.
That is not the point.
The point is that im not fine. I DO NOT PRETEND TO BE LIKE THAT. I really want to be fine, and that is why I act like that in public. I'm wasting all my time, studying, playing LOL, studying studying and studying. And... if you are fine, you just DON'T study one week before an exam. You do not make your summary even before the exam is announced.
Playing lol, getting angry when I loss, being happy when I win.
And playing violin. Here is when I realize that my plan of wasting my  time in things that distract me from remembering my brother is not working.
Because when I was playing violin today, and the teacher told me " You have to play the violin as you were doing it for a baby: quietly, be patient. You don't want to annoy the baby, you want him to appreciate the song and, maybe, he falls asleep."
And I did it. I played the violin  in that way, and it was wonderful. So I  IMAGINED MYSELF PLAYING THAT SONG TO HIM. And after an hour I  just start to cry in the gym class. I don't know why but the first  thing that came to my head was a picture of my playing a song for him, while he is awake.
And he watches me with his smile in his face. And he sighs. He follows my arm with his eyes.
Something that never happened of course, and I know it, and it's  not going to happen anyways because he is dead.
The fact that that will not happen makes me feel even worse because I didn't know how to play violin when he was alive, and if that would happened,  I would be so fucking happy.
I can say he is dead, with that word. I think its like an "auto lie", it makes me feel like I accept it. But in the end it's not true, I can't go over it, I MISS HIM. I miss his smile, his face, his sighs, my childhood with  my brother.
How weird would it be if I go to the cementery only to play "shine shine little star" next to his coffin?
I promise I will, I don't care if he can listen to me or not. If he can, that is perfect. And if he can't, I DON'T CARE, I WILL DO IT TO FEEL BETTER, TO BE NEXT TO HER BODY, LIKE AN HONOR.
AND I WILL BECOME A VIOLINIST, AND I WILL PASS ALL  MY EXAMS, AND I WILL BE ON MY SCHOOL'S FLAG, JUST BECAUSE OF HIM.
Because he couldn't, because in lot of oportunities maybe he wanted to kill himself and HE COULD NOT. Or maybe he never wanted a thing like that, but he suffered and he lived 13 years like nobody would say it.
I will do all for him, because maybe if he would be here with me talking, he would told me:
"Hey I want to play violin" And guess what? He could not move his arm or fingers.
Or maybe if he was alive he were an astronaut, a poet, a singer, a lawyer, a father, anything. And he is not because of his illness, because now he is dead. And I miss him and Im not fine and I PROMISE MYSELF TO BE SUCCESSFUL WITH THE FUCKING VIOLIN . AND IF IT IS DIFFICULT, WELL, BETTER. BECAUSE I CAN, I WILL PUT ALL  OF ME ON THAT, JUST BECAUSE HE USED ALL HIS FORCES TO LIVE, TO MAKE ME HAPPY. SO I CAN, AND I WILL. ONLY FOR HIM. HE IS MY INSPIRATION TO BE SUCCESSFULL IN ANYTHING I WANT TO DO.
I  MISS YOU IDIOT PLEASE CAME  I BEG IT COME BACK TO ME AND HUG ME PLEASE PLEASE.
Your sister.